How Do We 'Mature' As Coaches?
I've been wondering about this a lot recently.
My wonderings were sparked by a LinkedIn Post by Marta Abramska where she used the phrase 'the ICF Police' -
https://www.linkedin.com/feed/update/urn:li:activity:7308108441292566531/
This obviously resonated with many, many coaches. At the last count, the Post has 638 Likes and 280 Comments.
What really comes through is people's sense of being judged, of not being good enough, and of being measured against - shall I say - 'sterile' standards? (i.e. the behavioural competences)
Marta is not saying 'competences = bad'. They absolutely have their place - for coaches in training, who are learning the skills, and as they set out to start to build their practice and experience. Behavioural competences and indicators guide the way, to the behaviours we demonstrate if we are coaching well.
However, their usefulness and value - I believe - tail off, as we become more experienced as a coach. And it's hard to see how they help a coach's 'sense of self' develop. Would you agree?
And are the ICF Police - the actual ICF?
Or, are they our internalised version of the ICF Police?
This is central to what Marta is saying; we add in the 'external' assessor, to our 'internal' team of critics.
It's like we're built to absorb the standards 'out there', given to us by the higher authority, and to rigidify them in our minds and our understanding.....and then perhaps beat ourselves up, over not perfectly meeting the standards.
Or ....we rebel against those standards.
And....I really want to stress, I do not want to discount anyone's experience.
There is justified joy and a huge sense of achievement when one passes the standards, and has an external validation of competence. When they have something tangible, and respected in the industry, to show to prospective clients. It often represents the end of a very long road, a lot of work, a lot of dedication.
And there is for sure, lots of vulnerability along the way, especially if we are found wanting. And there can also be annoying instances of receiving feedback saying 'You are a good coach', 'That was a good coaching session' - 'but it just won't tick all the boxes'.
So....'box ticking'....early in our career as coaches. Fair enough.
And especially with regards to learning the (in our culture) UNUSUAL skill of being non-directive. 'Cleanly', as I often say to new coaches. Not an iota of a 'push' energy around your idea, the line of problem solving you can see laid out!
And then the sister skill of discerning when it's ok to NOT do that.
I.e. when it's more helpful for the client that you DO become more directive
E.g. you let the client know what's happening inside of you, as you listen to them. And in this way, provide them with more data, which may help their self-awareness, or their sense of inner confidence.
E.g. you say to a client 'It sounds to me like are in a toxic environment, and anyone in that environment would experience what you're experiencing'. I.e. It's not you, it's the system you're in.
E.g. you suggest to a client that you jointly brainstorm some solutions, some ways forward, creatively, 'no idea is too wacky' - then you can both sit back from the ideas and your client can talk to the ideas which she sees have merit, and take her thinking on from there.
So then, moving on, post 'early-career coach', we go out there, and continue to amass our coaching hours, and undertake CPD as a coach, and have supervision. We practice, we reflect, we grow.
What makes the real difference, in our becoming a really mature, wise coach?
Really feeling in our skin - 'I can do this', 'I trust myself as a coach, 100%'.
'It was ME in the room with my client, it was me in relationship with that other human being, and I deeply know, that what I did was totally right for that moment.'
How can we expunge our self-doubt? Our feeling that we 'shouldn't have done that'?
So that there is no flicker, or ghostlike presence, of the ICF Police, the AC Police, or the EMCC Police?!
I think there are several things at play here.
I'll be writing about them over the coming weeks.
For today, my focus is on a feature of our Western culture.
Our drive for Perfection.
I am moving beyond the individualised nature of having a drive to do things perfectly. (If you're familiar with Transactional Analysis, it's known as the Be Perfect Driver.)
I'm thinking more systemically, across our society.
I become more and more convinced that we live in a culture which requires us to do things really well, to have high standards, to be forever pushing for excellence. I have worked with many people, and I hear cases of others, who push themselves to such levels of exhaustion and eventually burn out.
I am also saddened and worried when I hear from friends or clients, talking of how their children are struggling with the exam and assessment culture in our schools. Smart, motivated children, studying round the clock, driven by the anxiety and fear, of not producing the results. Not being good enough. And a drive for perfection in this scenario is not a bad strategy looked at in this light. But we don't wish it on our children.
It's a coping strategy.
I'm reminded that the best things in life aren't 'perfect'.
Nature doesn't do perfection.
What we love about others isn't their perfection.
It is absolutely wonderful to do things well, and be proud of them, and do a good job.
But are our unexamined notions of perfection really that helpful? They stress us out. They probably actually get in the way. And stop us from being our natural, wonderful selves.
So I do wonder - coming back to the ICF Police - and how we internalise the ICF Police - if we didn't have such a predilection for perfection in our culture, would we internalise the competences differently? Would we give ourselves more latitude over how we enact them? Would Assessors approach their task differently? Would competences still be the only 'marker' for advancing levels of mastery and maturity in our profession??
I've written before about the Left and Right Hemispheres. Dr Iain McGilchrist's work. I think this is a useful metaphor here.
A reminder of the Left Hemisphere:
'Ticking boxes' is actually a descriptor of the Left Hemisphere. Also, having things in silos. Being able to be objective about things. Mechanistic thinking. Linear coaching models would fit in here really well.
And the difference when we look at the Right Hemisphere:
The dance of relationship; the unspoken between people; the invisible relational field which Otto Scharmer talks about. The acceptance of - the comfort even - of not-knowing. Dare I say, the beauty of imperfection??
And wouldn't it be more likely that human transformation happens more when we're in this space?
Three examples:
I cast my mind back to a workshop, at a T.A. Psychotherapy Conference in the late 1990s, led by Ian Stewart. Ian quoted research which sought to establish the top qualities/capabilities/ characteristics of therapists - in the eyes of the clients. What really made the difference? What stood out for the clients? And the overwhelming findings.... It was the humanity of the therapist. They quoted examples of when their therapist 'got it wrong' (e.g. was late for a session and flustered); or showed their vulnerability in a session (e.g. not knowing 'the therapist way to be'). This is what solidified a relationship, built trust, and enabled great therapy to happen.
Dr Gabor Mate likewise relates research, from the world of the helping professions, into what great therapeutic relationships are about for clients. The finding? The critical moments are WHEN NOTHING IS BEING SAID. I.e. it is the presence in the relationship.
Professor Tatiana Bachkirova's and Dr Adrian Myers' research into effective coaching: Coachees rated the outcomes and the nature of the coaching conversation much higher than the Observers. Bachkirova and Myers' reflection on this? The Coachees felt the deep human connection going on in the coaching space; the observers didn't pick up on this at all.
My reflections:
Isn't it wonderfully humbling for us, that it's not the 'great open question' or use of 'the perfect tool or technique in the moment' - that the client values?!
Isn't it also humbling that what we thought were the best parts of the session (where we were 'a good coach') - may not even register in the coachee's memory of the session?
Isn't it uplifting that when we mess up, show our human vulnerability, 'get it wrong' or feel we've acted 'unprofessionally' - that this builds human trust and relationship?
And given all of this wonderful mess (!) - this mess of imperfection and not-knowing.....how could we give ourselves more permission to be like this?
I say this to myself as much as anything! I've relied a lot on doing things to (imagined) perfect standards in my work and life. I have driven myself relentlessly, a lot of it unexamined, and perhaps even quite fictional!
They say that 'letting go' is a big part of maturing as a coach.
Let's let go of the idea that there is some vision out there of 'the perfect coach' which we must aspire to be.
And instead go inwards to find out who the messy, imperfect and beautiful coach inside of us is already.
....'Til Next Time, Go Well
References:
General reading on the need for perfection in our Western world:
Oliver Burkeman: Meditations for Mortals
https://www.oliverburkeman.com/meditationsformortals
Alexis Shortwell: Against Purity
https://www.upress.umn.edu/9780816698646/against-purity/
Brene Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection
https://brenebrown.com/book/the-gifts-of-imperfection/
Susan Cain: Bittersweet
https://susancain.net/book/bittersweet/
Other sources:
Dr Iain McGilchrist:
https://channelmcgilchrist.com/
Dr Gabor Mate:
Bachkirova and Myers (2022):
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/17521882.2019.1636840?scroll=top&needAccess=true
My thanks also to Dr Elizabeth Crosse, Julia Carden PhD, PCC, FCIPD, Stephen Burt, Alexandra Barosa-Pereira and Coaching at Work for the November 2024 Conference, which really got me thinking along these lines. I will be spending more time diving into all of this wonderful material to answer the question 'How Do We Mature as Coaches?', so watch this space!
Before you go:
I have some openings coming up in both a Supervision Group and my Professional Practice Group.
The Supervision Group starts in June 2025. It will be a group of four experienced executive coaches, who will meet six times bimonthly. For 90 minutes each time. On Teams or Zoom. These Supervision Groups are such special places to share, learn, ponder, and grow, as executive coaches in todays world. To continue your journey of 'maturing as a coach'!
Secondly, the Professional Practice Group has two spaces. This is an ongoing group. The purpose is to encourage professionals of any discipline to come and explore their 'heart's work'. Are you doing your 'heart's work' in todays world? Do you despair of ever being in a situation where you could? Do you know you're not doing your heart's work, but have no idea how you would ever find out what this is?! Then this Group is for you!
First step, if you are curious about either, is to email me, and we can set up an informal exploratory call. Wendy@wendyrobinson.org